Day Nine

"Stabbed In The Back: The Story of How Card Check Won"
by Mickey Kaus

Cast:

"SEIU" ..................... Some Combination of Godzilla and Rasputin.
"Big Business" .......... The Feeble Remnants of Mickey's College Marxism.
"Small Business" ....... Your Local Dry Cleaner.
"Pension Fund" ......... Sean Penn.

Act One

SEIU (twirling moustache): My master plan is nearly complete! I have foreseen both the outcome and the timing of the Minnesota senate race. I have pressured the completely insane Rod Blagojevich into a crushingly stupid decision to appoint a new senator ("Smiling Man" from The Fugitive, no less!). And I will pressure Harry Reid to seat him even though it runs counter to the interests of Senate Democrats. All to get one vote closer to cloture on card check! Bwahaha!

Big Business (also twirling moustache): Hmm, perhaps if I support card check, over time the unions will strangle Small Business, my ostensible rival!

Small Business: Um, does the local ma-and-pa corner store truly stand to lose more from relaxed unionization rules than, say, Wal-Mart? Wasn't Mickey arguing mere days ago that different conditions affect the success rate of union drives, and isn't a simple economy of scale a condition that would favor unionization of larger firms before smaller firms?

/exit Small Business, confused and sad

Big Business: Say, unions! We'll give you card check in exchange for calling off your pension-led corporate governance reforms!

SEIU: Deal! You hear that, pension funds?

Union Pension Fund: Uh, sure. That deal has no effect on my short-term focus (maximizing return on investment) and plays directly into my long-term interests (increasing union membership, making me larger and stronger in the future). Thanks!

Fin.

p.s. Is it a coincidence that all of Mickey's characters are superficially canny yet completely idiotic upon close examination? Must be, right?

p.p.s. New FMK prediction: we will rue the day that someone told Mickey that state employee pension funds are large institutional investors -- that sound you hear coming from Southern California is a thousand poorly-thought-out conspiracy theories blooming.